The Joke Thread

[Pitchfork]

So we've got to keep up the seasonal flavour on the joke thread. We all like some of the carols but as with the Dr who criticised Santa's lifestyle our traditional Christmas songs now have their detractors!!

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered
safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also
consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a
venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please
note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their
fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we
would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be
considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety
regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without
appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools
and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested
that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that
they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated
shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his /
her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been
issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA,
UVB and Glory.


Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load
that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the
guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many
rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please not e
that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and
Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any
airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being
labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr.
Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an
infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be
redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold'
etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the
potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A
suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause
in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise tha t the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars
in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC
routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route
and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines
from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of
Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three
kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels
hooves.

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of
allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice
cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a
suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Rec ords
Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby
Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and
be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking
commences.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of
any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer
from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary
action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full
investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on
full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Forest Geen, Forest Green, Forest Green

No probs!!

[scarecrow]

the other day i bought 8 legs of venison for 10 quid...............is that too dear ??

[Sledge]

No heads then? In which case ....no eye deer.

[scarecrow]

might have been 3 of 'em...............dear,dear, dear
by the way i was walking down the road the other day and walked past a tree with a portsmouth season ticket nailed to it. I stopped and took it off.......................nails are expensive these days you know.

[scarecrow]

WOMAN'S DIARY

24 april 2010 Saturday


Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls
and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud,
so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted
so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself
- he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be
paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered
if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong,
but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed,
I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and,
to my surprise, we made love
- but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep -
I think he's planning to leave me -
maybe he's found someone else.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 24 april

Forest Green got relegated

Gutted.

Got a shag though

[Fartvs Antiqvvs]

FLORIST!!

[Sledge]

Those crazy Yanks

[Sledge]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.'

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the
Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
His father replied, 'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?'

[Sledge]

Saw my one armed friend today, where are you off to says I, I'm going to change a light bulb says he, that will be difficult says I, not really says he, I've still got the receipt.